Posted by: caregiverspirituality on: July 5, 2009
All names are changed and some literary licenses taken in order to protect identities. Also, the sources for facts and statistics in this article can be found at www.joelaguardia.com.
In the hot summer of 2007, Luanne poured another round of sweet tea as she told me about how caring for Mother affects her life. When she places the pitcher of sweet tea on the coffee table and settles back down into her seat, I can see shadows under her heavy-lidded eyes. But even then she can’t help but to express the pride, joy, and fulfillment she gets from caring for her mother. “A long weekend of visiting and caring for Mother,” she tells me, “makes me exhausted, but it is rewarding to care for Mother like she once cared for me.”
My friend reflects the deeply embedded feeling that many other caregivers experience: a sense of obligation on the one hand and profound feelings of blessing on the other hand, all because caring seems to be a part of God’s divine purpose. The act of giving care is just one puzzle-piece in God’s “call” for Luanne’s life. She takes another sip from her glass of sweet tea and admits, “Taking care of my mother is what I’m supposed to be doing in my life; this is where God has placed me.”
The idea that caregiving can be part of a divine purpose is not unique to Luanne. One study shows that many caregivers who provide care to others do so because they believe God has a meaningful call upon their lives. Another caregiver—Cybil— confirmed this when she once told me, “God knew I’d be the primary caregiver to my parents, and it is what God planned for me to do, so I do it.”
To have a sense of God’s “call” upon one’s life—be it a calling centered around an occupation, giftedness, or task—is something that reaches far back into Christian history. Two influential streams of thought in Christianity relate to “calling.”
The first stems from the biblical historical tradition: In the Bible, God “calls” people to be saved and to join Him to be on mission in the world.
The second comes from the Catholic and Protestant traditions: It was Martin Luther who argued that God calls people to do certain tasks or to practice certain gifts. Luther once stated that if God calls someone to be a dairy farmer, then when that farmer milks a cow it is as if God is providing drink for the entire world.
No wonder many caregivers feel that they are called to care for others. They say it is because God has given them the strength—the “calling”—to be there for Mom and Dad during a time of need.
There are, however, some negative consequences to this type of thinking. Some people think that if they are “called” by God to care for another but are unable to do so, then they have failed God. Guilt sets in. Other caregivers say, “I feel like I just can’t do enough,” so, along with guilt, there is an overwhelming sense of failure and self-condemnation. Yet, other caregivers have care receivers who simply tell them that they are not doing enough, especially if a care receiver is suffering from dementia or Alzheimer’s and can’t remember what his caregiver did for him 5 minutes ago.
In order to escape these ruts, it is important to balance a belief in “divine calling” with a healthy dose of boundary-setting. Sure, God may have put you in a position to care for a loved one, but God does not expect you to care for others at the expense of caring for yourself. And, yes, there are times when you feel like you can “do more,” but you are certainly not God; just consider that even the little things make a difference. Nor are we all world-changers, but if we follow a life of prayer and self-care, we can realize that when we provide care to the best of our abilities, it is as if we are caring for the entire world.
Posted by: caregiverspirituality on: June 25, 2009
The following article is part of a four-part series that is due to run in the Rockdale Citizen religion section.
By Joe LaGuardia
Ever since its inception, Trinity Baptist Church has been a congregation that reaches out to caregivers in the community. We have had all kinds of caregivers—from professional caregivers who work in medical fields to informal caregivers who care for friends, elderly parents, special needs relatives, and spouses—pass through our doors and participate in our ministries.
When I came on board at Trinity in 2003, I realized how important the caregiving ministry was, not only for Trinity, but also for the many families who found themselves caring for loved ones throughout Rockdale County. It did not take long for our caregivers to start meeting regularly in various homes to share a meal and encouragement. Since then we have had a seminar or two, prayer groups, and even a short-term support group especially for caregivers.
Our caregivers have taught me much along the way, and over the next few weeks, I hope to share with you the various concerns that confront many caregivers. Here’s a good start: The Caregiver Resource Center states that informal caregiving happens in 1 of every 4 American households. That number is expected to double in 2 years when 11 million baby-boomers reach senior status. This statistic comes at a time when people are working more hours to compensate for the economy, trying to raise children in a culture that is sometimes hostile to families, and searching for a sliver of free time for recreation and some sense of normalcy.
Despite all of these obligations, caregivers often find themselves to be a lonely and isolated bunch. Many caregivers start helping others in minor tasks: driving someone to the store once a week or doing a load of laundry now and then. Over time, as a loved one ages or becomes more dependent, the tasks become more demanding. The caregiver cannot give as much time to other activities, such as church and a favorite hobby. Eventually caregiving takes over the life of the caregiver, and she finds herself isolated from the support systems that once helped keep things in perspective.
Caregiving becomes a second (and, if you include raising a family, a third) “job” that sucks up all available time, energy, and resources. And in long-term care, the support systems—including churches—cease the calls, send fewer cards, and visit less often. Researchers have discovered that this level of caregiving can result in loneliness and depression. This is especially the case for caregivers who help meet the needs of Alzheimer’s or dementia-stricken care receivers.
But there is hope. I have poured through study after study that show that by tending to one’s spiritual life and taking time to care for one’s own needs, a caregiver can seek the power of God to overcome the various burdens with which she struggles.
Studies also suggest that having a type of support system that understands what the caregiver is going through can be an effective way to make it through the most stressful situations. You know the type of support I’m talking about—not people who give unsolicited advice, cheap clichés, or cheesy religious quips—but other caregivers who know how to listen and understand the situation because they’ve “been there, done that.” Caregiving can be a furnace of spiritual growth in which a heart of gold is cast; but, like Daniel in the Bible, it helps if you are not in the furnace alone.
Over the next several weeks, I hope to dialogue with you, dear Reader, about the things that caregivers care about. I encourage you to connect by email or check out the caregiver resource page at www.joelagauardia.com as we will look at several pressing issues, which include a caregiver’s calling (vocation), role reversals, grief that comes with the loss of a care receiver, and types of spiritual practices that can initiate an active and healthy relationship with God even during the busiest of days. For now, if you are a caregiver, just know that you are not alone.
Posted by: caregiverspirituality on: May 3, 2009
Three years ago I began the long trek to get a professional doctorate in ministry from Mercer University. Like many other “DMin students” (as we are called), I had to figure out what project I was going to research, execute, and write about in my ministry at Trinity Baptist. At the time I was leading a small grief support group that morphed into a caregivers support group. We had roughly a dozen caregivers, many of whom were caring for their aging parents or their spouses.
It seemed logical to focus my doctorate thesis on how to help caregivers grow in their relationship with God while they provided care for their loved ones.
What I found out at the start of the project was transformational. I learned that nearly one out of every four households in America have some kind of caregiving situation. I also learned that women make up a majority of caregivers, and that many of them care for their mothers in particular. The caregivers at Trinity Baptist fit the national trend, and I found myself ministering to many women who cared day in and day out for their mothers.
I plunged into my work and continued to build relationships with these selfless and godly women of faith who care day in and day out for their care receivers. I helped them cope with their own stress and “caregiver burden” while also ministering to their ailing loved ones. As time passed, however, more of our care receivers started to get sick and pass away. One year in particular, Trinity had three funerals within six months for mothers who had depended on their adult children.
We lost others as well since then: spouses, infants, grandparents, and the like. With every elder who passed, I found myself grieving with our caregivers and found it even more difficult to return to my doctorate work. I felt (and feel) at times that I was treating all of these situations like some distant researcher, as if our caregivers were mere lab mice or something.
This struck me hard this past year because, while entering into my fourth and last year of my doctorate, Trinity had three more care receivers pass away, two of whom I became very close to before their deaths. In fact, it was only two weeks ago that I called one of the caregivers who lost a mother recently and let her know that I missed her mother with the most profound sense of grief.
Mother’s Day is a very special day for many of us. Tomorrow we will have special worship services, lunches, and dinners to honor the many moms who have cared for us over the years. Yet, my work with caregivers over the years reminds me that there will be just as many people who will grieve the loss of their mothers tomorrow and will find themselves tearing up before they go to bed and face work on Monday. Our families and churches should carve out time to recognize those mothers who have passed on and left a legacy to so many people throughout our community. There are many who will grieve, so we might as well do it together.
With this, my inaugural article, I would like to let those of you who have lost a mother know that the Lord will be present with you in the midst of your grief and crying with you in the shadow of your darkest hour. I will be praying for you, and Trinity Baptist family will be praying for you too.
Posted by: caregiverspirituality on: February 25, 2009
Posted by: caregiverspirituality on: December 31, 2008
Trinity Baptist Church in Conyers, Georgia, will host it’s first annual Caregiver Conference on March 28, 2009. Rabbi Scott Saulson and Joe LaGuardia will be co-facilitating. The conference will begin at 9 AM and run to about 1 PM. Lunch will be included. Registration, a registration fee, and other details will be forthcoming.
The conference will focus on the realities of caregiving with an emphasis on practical approaches to help family members get through some challenges of caregiving while maintaining a healthy quality of life, and will also focus on spiritual wellness in light of the burdens that accompany caregiving in the long run. We will be publishing a flyer in late January and will post it accordingly.
About Trinity Baptist Church: As an inclusive and diverse community of faith, Trinity seeks to empower people to celebrate and affirm God’s love for all. It is a welcoming congregation that prides itself on opening both arms and hearts to all who need the gift of God’s grace and compassion. The Caregiving Conference is non-partisan and inter-faith conference for a general audience and will approach caregiving from a holistic and global perspective.
For more information about Rabbi Saulson’s non-profit, please check out his website at www.movingparents.org.
