Our friends at Seniors for Living posted a great blog on the benefits of adult day centers.  It includes important statistics as well as rules for the road on choosing the right day center for your loved one.

Click to read more at Seniors for Living.

By Cameron Von St. James

My wife Heather often tells me that she can’t imagine how I got through it after hearing the news of her Mesothelioma cancer diagnosis. I had so many emotions at the time that I only once put into words for her how I actually felt. Now I’ll share a little more.

Three months before the diagnosis, we were on top of the world. We’d just celebrated the birthday of our only child, Lily. We felt tremendous hope and promise for her life ahead. When the doctor gave us the bad news about Heather, however, our emotions turned 180 degrees in the opposite direction.

Now all we felt was uncertainty and dread of the future. My wife began to sob, and I was trying hard not to break down. How would we ever get through this?

When the doctor began exploring what medical options we wanted to pursue, I felt crushed by the weight of the decisions.  How could we make intelligent choices so soon after just hearing the diagnosis?  As I thought about what each treatment option entailed, I felt more and more overwhelmed by the long journey ahead.

They say that anger is one of the first stages of grief, and I hit the anger stage hard.  At first, I swore at everybody.   Before I could alienate too many people, I fortunately came to the realization that I had to be strong for my wife and daughter. I certainly had times when I slipped back into my old anger and fear, but I always tried to appear hopeful and confident to support my wife.

After the diagnosis, my to-do list went from manageable to impossible. I still had the usual demands of work, plus I now had travel arrangements for treatments, caring for Heather, and a multitude of other demands.  My head was in a whirl.

I finally learned to prioritize and separate the urgent tasks from the ones that could wait.   Most importantly, I learned to accept the help of others.  I’d always been the one giving help, and it was awkward to be on the receiving end.  Without the generous support of others, though, we never could have gotten through this.

Even with all the assistance, it was still overwhelming at times. One two-month period was particularly stressful.  After Heather’s surgery in Boston, she flew to South Dakota so her parents could take care of her.  I had to go back home to keep working. Lily also stayed at Heather’s parents.  This whole time, I only saw my wife and daughter once.

Even that one visit was a logistical nightmare.  After working all day on Friday, I drove eleven hours through a snow storm, sleeping a few hours while snowplows cleared the highway.  I finally arrived on Saturday.  On Sunday, I hopped in the car and made the long trip back.

I don’t regret any of the choices we made.  We did what we had to do to get my wife the best care possible.  I was grateful that we had choices in treatments, and I’m also grateful for the help of family and friends.

Now, six years later, Heather is still here and cancer free!  I have turned my pain into purpose and seek to help other caregivers find guidance, inspiration, and hope.

Cameron Von St. James is a caregiver to his wife, Heather, in northeast United States.  He belongs to the Mesothelioma Cancer Alliance.  Find the Alliance online at http://www.mesothelioma.com/blog/.

This is based on the sermon for the second Sunday of Advent at Trinity Baptist Church.

“He will feed his flock like a shepherd; he will gather the lambs in his arms” (Isaiah 40:11)

In the November 29 issue of The Christian Century, the Reverend Bill Goetler writes about a homeless man, Danny, whom he befriended one winter season.   Bill writes about Danny’s comings and goings and their random meetings in the neighborhood.

In their happenstance meetings in the neighborhood, Danny asks for things—money or food—and Bill sometimes gives joyfully and other times gives with some hesitation.

But every time Bill runs into Danny, Danny delivers a one-line sermon:  “Reverend, Is this the way it is supposed to be?”

With Autumn packing up for the season and getting ready to go on vacation in Cancun, Winter makes its way into our life like an unwelcome guest knocking at our door without warning.  The trees look barer, our heaters are running more these days.  Our cat stands in the backyard and looks at us through the glass door whining for a warm bowl of milk.

Winter also brings with it words from Isaiah that we don’t like to hear: “Grass withers, the flower fades” (40:7).  We get sleepy because it gets dark earlier; our bodies grow heavy under the burdens we have put up with in the past year—cancer, grief, runny noses, economic hardships.  Things wither and fade.

“Hey, Reverend, is this the way it is supposed to be?”

In Advent, we recall the time when Israel faced its long winter under the Roman Empire.  Their economy, like ours, wasn’t great.   Darkness covered the land; fear was the order of the day.  Everyone’s grief-stricken walk was slightly askew, more like a hobble.

But in Advent, we don’t let winter have the final say.  Yes, winter may come into our homes and make itself comfortable, sitting in our easy chair and putting its dirty feet on our grandmother’s footrest.  It may even steal our sheets or hog all the hot water.  We know, however, that God reigns and that God keeps His promises.  We know that even in the midst of winter, the light of new life breaks into our souls, shines brightly, and warms our hearts.

Isaiah gives a rebuttal to winter:

“See, the Lord God comes with might…He will feed his flock like a shepherd; he will gather the lambs in his arms, and carry them in his bosom” (40:10, 11).

Isaiah, who just told us about grass withering, turns the tone of his words on its head and erupts in praise and promise.   He declares God embrace even in winter.

Last week, our Hanging of the Green service at Trinity brought some color into our black-and-white world.  After all, if there is anyplace we should go to be comforted and find hope in winter, it should be the church.

We adorned the sanctuary with nature, God’s very handiwork; we lit the Christmon tree, and we experienced life’s ever-green vitality placed under God’s care.

We need God’s embrace these days.  The holidays are hard for some folks in our community, especially those who long to spend one more Christmas with a lost loved one.  For other folks, it’s nothing more than a nuisance—Christmas shopping, business parties, and such.   Some are too broke to shop at all.

But no matter where we are when winter knocks on our door, we can be confident that this is not “the way it is supposed to be.”  God provides light and grace and a strong embrace—Warm and refreshing, like hot chocolate by the fire place.

Advent ultimately points to the light of Christmas.  Ever hold a newborn baby?  Feel the baby’s heartbeat against your own?  Ever admire a baby’s somber silence or cry for food?  Ever see that miraculous glow that babies emit?  Ever kiss a baby and feel that you were kissing the very face of God?  That’s the way it is supposed to be.  That’s the way it is supposed to be.  Amen and Amen.

Source: Bill Goettler, “Living By the Word,” The Christian Century (29 November 2011): 20.

The second verse of the enduring hymn, “Great is Thy Faithfulness,” states, “Pardon for sin and a peace that endureth.”  There is something to be said about peace, especially in a society in which peace is difficult to find.

Peace can mean many different things.  It could point to political truce or agreement between two nations; peace also points to an inner sense of calm.  Peace can be relational: Passing the peace is a mainstay in many churches these days.

From a biblical perspective, peace only exists when a person or community becomes one with Christ and with the purposes of God.  It was through Jesus that God brought peace into the world: “Through Jesus God was pleased to reconcile to himself all things, whether on earth or in heaven, by making peace through the blood of his cross” (Col. 1:20).

God called Jesus to be a bearer of peace, and God calls us to peace as well (Col. 3:15).  Why is it, then, that so many Christ followers still struggle with peace that surpasses all understanding?

Perhaps the greatest misnomer is that faith or a conversion experience will simply do away with all anxiety.  In fact, anxiety about anxiety can lead to greater guilt and self-doubt.  Some people say, “If I am anxious, then I don’t have enough faith in God or don’t really have a saving relationship with God.” That is rarely the case.

Anxiety is a complex animal.  Some anxiety is chronic from chemical imbalances or predispositions; other forms of anxiety are behavioral or habitual.  Knowing the difference between the two–and the proper road to treatment and healing–is something that any good counselor or therapist can discern.

Assuming that statistics about anxiety are true–that nearly a quarter of Americans suffer from some form of anxiety–we may have to look deeper into what it means to be at peace.

Being at peace, especially under the lordship of Christ, does not assume that the storms of life or the issues that plague all of us no longer exist.  Even Paul, the author of Colossians, suffered a “thorn in my side” and complained of eye trouble.

Yet, peace persisted.  Even in the storm, Christ’s calm can foster a vision that allows us to see the bigger picture in life.  God’s future becomes the source of our hope, and we can long for the blessings that tomorrow brings.  Christ’s call to redemption and sanctification allows us to look beyond ourselves and our immediate situation.

If faith is the assurance of things unseen, then peace is the act of living in the realm of trust to that reality.  We trust in things unseen because we believe God is a promise-keeper that holds us in His love and guides us through “the darkest valley” (Ps. 23:4, NRSV).  Peace is the stillness that lingers in the depths of our hearts, the unyielding joy that persists even on our unhappiest days.

The other misnomer is that the world can provide peace.  We seek the pleasures of the flesh and material wealth in order to be happy: “If only I had a million dollars, I would be happy and at peace.”  Unrest does not discriminate; it ails people of all socio-economic levels.

In Paul and Jesus’ day, the Roman Empire prided itself on being a place of peace.  ”Pax Romana,” or Roman peace, was the illusion that the monarchy had it all together.  Jesus, Paul, and John, the author of Revelation, warn their readers not to buy into this false sense of hope.  The government social net can provide only so much for its citizenry.

Jesus gives the only peace that can sustain us through the hardest times: “Peace I leave with you, my peace I give to you” (John 14:27).  And when anxiety rears its head, Jesus’ voice will echo in the background, “Peace be with you, fear not.”

It seems that every day brings new economic challenges.  Our nation’s recession has created a volatile environment in which many people–from the very young to the senior saint–are vulnerable.  Somewhere in between is the sandwich generation, the nearly 28% of Americans who provide care for a loved one.

As economic tectonic plates shift, caregivers are among the hardest hit as they care for their families and their loved ones.  Statistics show that caregivers spend over $5,000.00 on average to care for a loved one.

Aging adults, who make up 70% of care receivers, barely make ends meet with social security, and their caregivers supplement prescription costs and other resources.  A fifth of all loved ones move into the home with a caregiver.

This means that a third of all caregivers dip into savings and other assets, like retirement plans, to hold the fort.  In some instances, caregivers cut back on work hours to care for their loved ones, and they lose benefits and higher wages as a result.  A job lost is devastating to the entire household.

Few resources for financial assistance, such as the National Family Caregiver Support Program, are available.  My main concern, however, relates to what this does to our spiritual life and our relationships with one another.

As economic restraints tighten, resentment and frustration increase.  This usually sends caregivers into a downward spiral as they war with their negative emotions and struggle with guilt from being angry or impatient.

Usually a caregiver will not see a difference overnight, but resentment and guilt can become debilitating “bad habits” over time. The caregiver burns out and withdraws; she fails to care for herself.  Hobbies, church attendance, and the simple act of reading a book or watching a movie for one’s own pleasure becomes a long-lost past time.

We have heard many a sermon on the two greatest commands: to love God and to love your neighbor “as yourself” (Mark 12:31).  Yet, we assume that it takes money to “love yourself.”

Even in a shaky economy, self-care does not have to be pricey.  In fact, all we need is a little bit of time, maybe a few minutes a day.  We know this to be true, but that guilt makes us feel that we should be doing something–anything–but sit around and pray or read.

Cindy Elrod, a counselor at the Care and Counseling Center of Georgia located at First Conyers UMC, recommends walking or exercising for at least 15 minutes a day.  She also encourages caregivers to get into a support group in order to alleviate isolation.

“Building a sense of community with others in similar situations not only reinforces the sense of connectedness, it may generate avenues for relief from stress, creative problem solving, and a renewed opportunity to experience themselves in positive roles other than as a caregiver,” Elrod said in an email interview.

She also promotes positive reinforcement: “Many who provide caregiving find that they get a sense of satisfaction from caregiving, and it creates a bond with the person being cared for that offset the stress.  Many report an increased confidence that they can successfully and skillfully manage the healthcare system to get their needs met.”

A commitment to spiritual disciplines also help juggle the sandwich lifestyle.  Caregivers that pray on a regular basis and keep in touch with friends from church overcome challenges more effectively than their unchurched peers.

Spiritual disciplines also include practicing confession or reconciliation within the tapestry of one’s relationship with God.  This means receiving forgiving for one’s perceived failures, as well as forgiving a care receiver if resentment exists in the relationship.

In one study, 94% of caregivers stated that forgiveness was effective in building a positive attitude as it related to caregiving.*  It combats guilt and allows the caregiver to have the grace required to make time to pursue other activities outside of the caregiving role.

In an economic recession, it is important for all our caregivers to find solace in God and friends.  The emotional and financial burdens are real, but so is the Creator who continues to envelop us in his everlasting love.  Caregivers, our prayers are with you.

*Source: Judy Kaye and Karen M. Robinson, “Spirituality Among Caregivers,” Image: Journal of Nursing Scholarship 1994: 26 (p. 219).