By Cameron Von St. James
My wife Heather often tells me that she can’t imagine how I got through it after hearing the news of her Mesothelioma cancer diagnosis. I had so many emotions at the time that I only once put into words for her how I actually felt. Now I’ll share a little more.
Three months before the diagnosis, we were on top of the world. We’d just celebrated the birthday of our only child, Lily. We felt tremendous hope and promise for her life ahead. When the doctor gave us the bad news about Heather, however, our emotions turned 180 degrees in the opposite direction.
Now all we felt was uncertainty and dread of the future. My wife began to sob, and I was trying hard not to break down. How would we ever get through this?
When the doctor began exploring what medical options we wanted to pursue, I felt crushed by the weight of the decisions. How could we make intelligent choices so soon after just hearing the diagnosis? As I thought about what each treatment option entailed, I felt more and more overwhelmed by the long journey ahead.
They say that anger is one of the first stages of grief, and I hit the anger stage hard. At first, I swore at everybody. Before I could alienate too many people, I fortunately came to the realization that I had to be strong for my wife and daughter. I certainly had times when I slipped back into my old anger and fear, but I always tried to appear hopeful and confident to support my wife.
After the diagnosis, my to-do list went from manageable to impossible. I still had the usual demands of work, plus I now had travel arrangements for treatments, caring for Heather, and a multitude of other demands. My head was in a whirl.
I finally learned to prioritize and separate the urgent tasks from the ones that could wait. Most importantly, I learned to accept the help of others. I’d always been the one giving help, and it was awkward to be on the receiving end. Without the generous support of others, though, we never could have gotten through this.
Even with all the assistance, it was still overwhelming at times. One two-month period was particularly stressful. After Heather’s surgery in Boston, she flew to South Dakota so her parents could take care of her. I had to go back home to keep working. Lily also stayed at Heather’s parents. This whole time, I only saw my wife and daughter once.
Even that one visit was a logistical nightmare. After working all day on Friday, I drove eleven hours through a snow storm, sleeping a few hours while snowplows cleared the highway. I finally arrived on Saturday. On Sunday, I hopped in the car and made the long trip back.
I don’t regret any of the choices we made. We did what we had to do to get my wife the best care possible. I was grateful that we had choices in treatments, and I’m also grateful for the help of family and friends.
Now, six years later, Heather is still here and cancer free! I have turned my pain into purpose and seek to help other caregivers find guidance, inspiration, and hope.
Cameron Von St. James is a caregiver to his wife, Heather, in northeast United States. He belongs to the Mesothelioma Cancer Alliance. Find the Alliance online at http://www.mesothelioma.com/blog/.
